


Fiction Reveals Truth That Reality Obscures

by brokenhighways



Series: Rejecting Reality [3]
Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crack, Alternate Universe - Reality Show, Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M, Ridiculous, Wedding Planning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-14
Updated: 2013-10-14
Packaged: 2017-12-29 10:53:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,976
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1004556
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brokenhighways/pseuds/brokenhighways
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The problem with being a reality star is that Jensen actually goes through most of the year living his <i>real</i> life.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Fiction Reveals Truth That Reality Obscures

**Author's Note:**

> Most misleading summary ever, but I really couldn't come up with one that wasn't JUST READ IT. And no one wants to see that. :)
> 
> Title from Ralph Waldo Emerson

**SEASON THREE**  
  
 **Part One**  
  
The problem with being a reality star is that Jensen actually goes through most of the year living his  _real_  life. So when Chad springs the filming dates on him, he gets annoyed because it cuts right into his wedding planning time. Not that he and Jared have set a date, but Jensen's giving himself a six month long block of time to get the ball rolling. And he kind of wants to just, bite the bullet and marry Jared as soon as possible. Before Bravo get their hands on his special day.  
  
"You've been married twice," Chris says, right after Jensen vents to him. "Can't you just hitch a ride to the Chapel of Love in Vegas or something?" Jensen ignores him and pencils down the dates that are good for him.  
  
Chad comes back to him with a contract for a wedding spin-off.  
  
"What the hell is this?" Jensen demands as Chad pulls out his phone and starts to type away on it. They're at Jared's restaurant for a business lunch, and that means that Jensen is entitled to an hour of Chad's undivided attention. When he says this to him, Chad scoffs.  
  
"You wanted an hour of my time, and you've got it. However, I'm not legally obligated to read the contract to you, so you're going to sit here and read it while I play Candy Crush Saga." Jensen scowls at him and makes a mental note to get the kid who lives next door to him to send a virus to Chad's email. That'll teach him.  
  
Ever since someone hacked into Jared's sister's Facebook and leaked the news of his and Jared's engagement, Mark has been pushing for them to sign away their wedding to Bravo. Jensen's against the idea and Jared...well, Jared couldn't possibly be more uninvolved in their wedding than he is right now.  
  
So Jensen says no to the spin-off (for now) and prepares himself for the latest three month invasion of his privacy.  
  
~  
  
Filming is preceded by some sort of reality television "workers" rights workshop. Apparently the OC housewives have been treating the production crew like their personal slaves and Bravo is trying to pre-empt the inevitable lawsuit. Bravo hires some business center and packs them all into the main hall and forces them to endure the world’s longest PowerPoint presentation. The combined stench of perfume and cologne makes Jensen feel nauseated and the glare from several iPhone screens just makes it worse. When they reach the 78,000th slide, Jensen rolls his eyes and looks over at Jared. Jared's blatantly asleep, and Jensen chuckles to himself. He's had at least three cups of coffee; there's no way that he'll be able to doze off.  
  
Jensen suddenly develops an idea as he looks at Jared's still form. Sure, Jared will probably be pissed at him later, but what the hell, he's about to do everyone in the room a  _huge_  favour.  
  
"Uh, can someone get me some water or something," Jensen calls out, making sure that his voice carries over the monotonous tone of the speaker. "I think that he's passed out from all of the fumes in here." People turn to look at where he's sitting and he points at Jared. There's a flurry of noise and the woman in front of them turns around and empties her bottled water all over Jared. Jared awakes with a start, almost rocketing backwards off his chair. Jensen grabs him before that can happen, and he makes a big deal about stroking Jared's wet hair.  
  
"It's okay, baby," he says soothingly. "You just fainted for a minute or two. You'll be fine." Jared's eyes are confused for all of two seconds before they narrow slightly and Jensen is faced with an accusing glare. Mark comes by then and gives Jensen a wary look.  
  
"Jared's not feeling well," Jensen says. "Can we just dart out? You can send us some bulletins or leaflets later."  
  
Mark is not impressed but he lets them go.  
  
"I can't believe you  _used_  me to get out of there," Jared whines as Jensen pulls out of the parking lot. "And ugh, my hair is all wet!"  
  
"Oh quit your complaining," Jensen says with a laugh. "I got us out of that snooze-fest didn't I?"  
  
"This is true," Jared admits as he glances at his watch. "I knew there was brain somewhere in there."  
  
Jensen flips him the bird.  
  
~  
  
A week after the Bravo session from hell, they meet up to discuss the season's storylines. Even though Jensen's done this twice, the fact that the producers plan this shit and then wait for the inevitable fall-out still makes his mind boggle. He hopes that the people watching at least get drunk and laugh at it. They have two new cast members this year, Cindy Sampson and Sterling K Brown. Cindy is...Jensen wasn't listening when Mark was introducing them so he doesn't know, but he knew Sterling back when he was on some CW cult show. He's a pretty cool guy.  
  
"So we're starting the season off with a Founder’s Ball," Mark says. "Jensen you're hosting it." Jensen sighs. Not only is he tired of Mark making  _him_ throw parties just so they can film at his house, he's tired of the actual parties.  
  
"Can't we all just have a picnic instead?" Jensen asks. Danneel sniggers and Chris guffaws because like always, Jensen's pain and misery is just one big joke to them.  
  
"No," Mark says. "That's final."  
  
~  
  
They start filming on the day of the Founder's Ball, camera-people trampling into Jensen's old house and tripping over their wires constantly. They regularly invade Jared's attempts to get Jensen to make out with him in the pantry. Attempt number four is interrupted by the doorbell ringing and Jensen frowns. Apart from Bravo no one is due to be here until 5. With a very aggrieved sigh, he extracts himself from Jared and goes to answer it. He's wearing a Scooby Doo hoodie (hey, it's Jared's) and running pants but he can't find in it himself to care as he flings the door open.  
  
It's his realtor.  
  
"I've finally sold the house!!!" she says excitedly. "But I did have to promise the new owner a little incentive..."  
  
"Yeah, yeah," Jensen replies, "How much did they agree to pay for it?" Jensen knows that he's being rude, but this woman is supposed to be the best realtor in town. He's sort of convinced that she's been in secret cohorts with Mark to ensure that the house isn't sold so they have a go-to shindig venue.  
  
"Eighteen million dollars!" she says. "And that's  _without_  my commission fee.  
  
Jensen takes it all back. She really  _is_ the best.  
  
~  
  
When he tells Danneel about the sale she gives him a wan smile.  
  
"Can I have the engraved tiles?" she asks and Jensen nods. The new owner won't want a huge J and D on the floor of their new home and truth be told, the second that Danneel moved out of the house, he'd thrown a Persian rug over it. Jensen's always found it tacky, but Danneel was the one who'd spent time with the designers, the one who painstakingly picked out every paint colour, every expensive chandelier and so on. To cut a long story short, she's definitely going to miss this house more than he is.  
  
"Sure," he says. "You can keep anything from this place that you want, Danni."  
  
This time, her smile is a little brighter.  
  
~  
  
Jared's still contractually a 'Friend of the Housewives and Husbands' because he can't commit to anything more, and because significant others don't usually get a billing slot. It essentially means that he doesn't need to be around for any of the read-throughs and scene prep, so he doesn't meet the new cast members until the Founder’s Ball is well into swing. Cindy comes over and introduces herself, and asks about the Founders that the ball is in honour of. Jensen flounders his way through a non-answer and is only saved from further embarrassment when Sterling makes his way over. There's an all too smug look on his face and Jensen looks up to see Jared giving him the stink-eye.  
  
"Do you two know each other?"  
  
"We've met," Jared says through gritted teeth. "He put a dead fish in my restaurant and then sent a critic over to review the place."  
  
"And my walk in freezer magically broke down by itself," Sterling replies with a bright smile. "My sous-chef was trapped in there for seven minutes!"  
  
"Oh please," Jared says. "Was that before or after her round of Seven Minutes In Heaven was up? I heard you were on hand to give her the kiss of life."  
  
"How many Michelin stars does your place have again?" Sterling shoots back. "Oh that's right. One less than mine!"  
  
There's a short silence for a few seconds before Jared and Sterling crack up. Cindy shoots Jensen a look that quite clearly conveys the 'WTF' brimming the on the edge of his tongue.  
  
"It's good to see you, man," Jared says while slapping Sterling on the back. "This is Jensen, my fiancé and this Cindy Sampson."  
  
"Nice to meet you," Jensen says with a nod. Truth be told, he didn't even skim through all of the Bravo reading requirements, so he has no idea if he's supposed to remember Sterling or not. Sterling is acting as if they’ve never met before so Jensen follows his lead. He doesn’t really give a shit either way.  
  
"I don't know how you put up with this guy," Sterling says and Jared socks him on the arm gently and they crack up again, leaving Jensen to feel like he's missing out on some inside joke.  
  
~  
Two hours later, Chris finds him by the chocolate fountain where he is definitely not sulking.  
  
"I reblogged your Pretty Little Liars theory post on Tumblr," Chris says.  
  
"What the hell is Tumblr?" Jensen asks. "You do realise that anyone can pretend to me on the internet, right?"  
  
"Hmm," Chris says. "Well, that makes sense. I was wondering why you kept reblogging shirtless pictures of Tom Cruise."  
  
Jensen sighs.  
  
~  
  
Drama comes in the form of Alona, and Jensen can't really say that he's all that surprised. Ever since Jensen hooked Aldis up with one of his old show runners (i.e. the only one who bothered to return his call), Alona has been telling every gossip rag and mammal with an ear about her revived acting career. Jensen can't fault her enthusiasm; it's always nice to be in the presence of a talented actor, and a talented  _and_  an in-demand actor. Alona, however, is neither of those things. And Jensen could pretend that it pains him to think that way, but it doesn't, so he won't.  
  
Anyway, in the course of the hiatus, some up and coming TV show filming in the area put out a casting call for a housewife. So basically both Danneel and Alona were up for it because their franchise was basically more "sort-of-Househusband" than housewife. They both auditioned and Danneel got the part. A two-minute barely there walk-on role that really should have been the end of the matter. Unfortunately it wasn't, and Jensen's been forwarded countless links (by Danneel, along with mocking acronyms) of the way the protracted drama has been making waves in the media. Jensen's convinced that Mark is the one feeding the news outlet.  
  
"Oh, here she is," Alona says bitterly. "The wannabe actress who stole my role."  
  
"Oh my god, 'Lo," Danneel sounds exasperated. "Let. It. Go." She turns to mutter something to her boyfriend, Matt. Matt...Matt is pretty hot, and well in terms of looks, Danneel could do worse. In terms of personality, Jensen is still not quite sure. Mostly because the guy tends to say stuff like this:  
  
"Alona, someone once said to me 'Genius is one percent inspiration and 99 percent inspiration'", which kind of gets old once you're subjected to it every time you're over for dinner. According to Matt, Jensen needs to open up his heart and let the goodness pour out. Jared finds the whole thing hilarious but it kind of creeps Jensen out a little. But Matt's a nice guy, and Danneel seems to like him, so Jensen deals with it.  
  
"I wasn't talking to you," Alona says icily before moving on to greet some of the other guests. Jensen shares a look with Danneel before turning to scan the room to see where Jared's gotten to. Jensen hasn't seen him since that weird conversation with Sterling...  
  
...who is currently hanging off Jared's arm like they’re long lost lovers. Jensen feels his eyes narrowing. He's just about to walk over there when Chad and Chris intercept him. Chad shoves a glass of wine in his hand and Chris shoves a piece of paper in the other.  
  
"You have five minutes to remember this speech," Chad says. "Or alternatively, you can go up to the podium and let everyone know that you have no idea what this ball is in honour of."  
  
"Or, we can create some drama," Chris says, right before he adds. "A little birdie tells me that Alona and Aldis are getting divorced." There's something about the way that Chris says it that makes Jensen a little suspicious. A memory from season one - and really, he's thinking in  _television seasons_  now?! - about Chris telling him that Tania and her husband were getting divorced.  
  
"Where did you hear that?" Jensen asks, trying his best to keep his tone light. Judging by the look on Chris' face, he doesn't quite succeed.  
  
"I had drinks with Alona," Chris replies. "She mighta mentioned it then." Jensen is not convinced. For one thing, Aldis is his friend, so he's suspicious on his behalf. At the same time, Chris hooking up with a married woman is nothing new. While he really does mean to enquire about what his 'drink' with Alona entailed, he can’t help saying, "Did you sleep with my ex-wife?!"  
  
"I see that we're going with drama," Chad says, taking the speech and pocketing it. "I'll just step aside while you two...produce enough testosterone for th--"  
  
"Uh, Chad," Jensen interrupts. "This is a private conversation."  
  
"You're on a  _reality_  show," Chad points out. "None of your conversations are private." Jensen's about to let out a snarky response when he sees Chris moving away.  
  
"I'm not done with you yet," Jensen growls, grabbing Chris' shoulder.  
  
"Well  _I'm_ done with you!" Without thinking, Jensen moves to punch the smug look off Chris' face. He gets one in before the room erupts into shocked gasps and strong arms pull Jensen away from Chris.  
  
In the midst of the commotion, Jensen catches Chris' eye and smirks slightly when his friend winks at him.  
  
~  
  
"So the two of you were just pretending to fight," Jared is saying the next day when they're at the gym. "Because this your last season and you wanted to have at least one actual fistfight?" If it wasn't for the disapproving look that Jared is giving him, Jensen would be grinning at his own brilliant idea. Truth be told, he's not sure why Jared's being so serious about it. He's the one who's always telling Jensen to lighten up. When Jensen says this, Jared huffs,  
  
"When I say  _lighten up_  I don't mean  _incite violence_!"  
  
"What is this really about?" Jensen presses a button on the console of the exercise bike he's on and climbs down.  
  
"My friends were at that party," Jared says. "They've been pestering me about meeting you and to see what the show's all about, and honestly, I didn't want them to see any of it. But hell, you just decided to pick yesterday of all days to show them that you're a stand-up guy who throws punches at fancy parties." Jensen is confused. Even the camerawoman gives him a baffled expression.  
  
"Jared, we're on a reality show, a  _scripted_  reality show," Jensen says. "And I've met your friends and they're fine with me. So the only  _friend_  that you could be referring to is Sterling, who was draped over you for almost all of last night. Now, I could have brought  _that_  up, but I didn't."  
  
"Oh, how big of you," Jared mutters and Jensen mentally pencils out the probably date that they'll be reshooting this scene. Mark doesn't like it when they argue. Apparently it's bad for business.  
  
"I'm not the one upset about some silly fight because my ex happened to see it," Jensen says, throwing the ex-part in there just to shake Jared up a little.  
  
"Who told you that Sterling and I  _dated_?" Jared shoots back, with his eyes blazing in fury.  
  
"You just did!" Jensen lies, because he's finally embracing the drama of being on a show like this. It's almost as if he's  _acting_  and...well, he hasn't realised how much he misses it until now.  
  
"Oh, this is rich," Jared says in disbelief, ripping off his microphone and stalking off angrily.  
  
"That went well," Jensen says once the camerawoman stops the tape. Her eyebrow quirks upward.  
  
~  
  
The thing is that, Jensen is sort of half jealous and half upset that Jared's never mentioned having an ex-boyfriend before. He knows that Jared is bi, and that he's mostly had girlfriends even though he's messed around with guys. Up until now, Jared's lead him to believe that Jensen is his first  _real_  boyfriend. The same way that Jared is  _his_  first real boyfriend, so the appearance of this Sterling guy kind of fucks everything up.  
  
So when Matt tells him that they're all going paintballing together in honour of Danneel's birthday, Jensen decides to take Sterling on like a man. Matt is busy complaining about how Mark hijacked his entire day with Danneel but Jensen tunes him out in favour of plotting. Chris stumbles over and squeezes the idea out of him and shrugs.  
  
"I'm game," he says. "That guy was trying to make me bad mouth you on camera the other day.  
  
"Trying?" Jensen says knowingly and Chris gives him a cocky look.  
  
"Hey guys," Jared walks over, and Jensen barely has time to appreciate Jared's tight fitting red t-shirt. Sterling is close on Jared's heels and he grins at them.  
  
"Jason, it's good to see you again."  
  
"It's Jensen," Jared says, smile suddenly looking a lot more strained.  
  
"It's not good to see you," Jensen bites out.  
  
"Isn't he adorable?" Sterling turns to Chris, who quickly switches into douche mode. He sends Jensen a mock glare and follows Sterling to the bus that's taking them to the paintball place.  
  
"Can you be nice, please?" Jared says. "For me."  
  
"Of course," Jensen says. "I can be nice."  
  
He just has no intention of  _actually_  being nice.  
  
~  
  
Three hours and one very sore Sterling later, they all stumble into a steakhouse for dinner. Chad joins them because he has some sort of crush on Cindy. Jensen's tried telling him that she's way out of his league, but apparently Aim High is the Murray family motto.  
  
Jensen's starting to understand why he's Chad's only client.  
  
"So that was fun!" Jared does his best to engage them, but the way that Sterling is staring daggers at the rest of them kind of numbs the effect. Jensen leans over and kisses Jared on the cheek softly, because Jared's enthusiasm is catching on to him. Sterling doesn't really take the sight well if the sour look he gives Jensen is any indication. Jensen's not sure if it's down to the fact that he's an asshole or down to being shot in the balls with a paintball.  
  
Three times.  
  
"You know, Jared, I didn't think you'd  _settle_ ," Sterling says. "You really want to spend the rest of your life with this guy."  
  
"Uh, maybe we should order," Aldis says.  
  
"Or maybe, we should let Sterling finish talking," Alona says because her and Aldis have been arguing in undertones all day, much to Jensen's chagrin. He might not like, Alona, but she and Aldis quite clearly love each other. No one is going to buy this fake divorce storyline.  
  
"I'm giving you the house, woman," Aldis says. "Yet you still continue to undermine me."  
  
"Oh, please," Alona says.  
  
"Like I was saying," Sterling says.  
  
“You were saying,” Danneel cuts in, giving Sterling a pointed look. “That Matt really organised a great event for us all today, didn’t he?”  
  
“I’ll say,” Chris says.  
  
“These dinners are so much more interesting on TV,” Chad says with a sigh. He stands and turns to leave.  
  
“Uh, Chad, wait,” Jensen says, grabbing his jacket and standing also. “We have that uh, thing to discuss.”  
  
~  
  
Mark does his best to stop Jensen from getting in Chad’s car and getting the fuck out of there.  
  
“I am not sitting in a room with Sterling Brown for another  _second_ ,” Jensen insists, not caring that there’s a camera right there. He hopes it catches every word.  
  
“And why is that?” Mark says patiently.  
  
“Because he’s been insulting me all day  _and_ hitting on my fiancé, who, by the way already has no interest in planning our wedding. It’s not like he needs anyone spreading doubts.”  
  
"That's all very nice and all but unless you aim to turn that into a feasible storyline, I really don't care."  
  
~  
The woman who bought his house turns out to someone called Lauren Cohan. When Jensen meets her for lunch she gets straight down to business.  
  
"The house is great," she says. "Everything is great. And I'll sign the paperwork on one condition."  
  
"Let's hear it."  
  
"I need you to hire my nephew Chace, as a personal assistant or...whatever. He needs a job, something to keep him grounded for a while."  
  
"Uh, okay. Well. I don't really ne--"  
  
"Thank you for doing this!" Lauren interrupts, and Jensen blinks. He hasn't agreed to anything. "I mean, I'd hate for the sale of the house to fall through at the last hurdle."  
  
Jensen sighs.  
  
~  
  
Bravo makes Aldis throw a  _Boys Night In_ , but it turns into a Boys  _Afternoon_  In, because Jensen's having dinner with his parents. So him, Chris, Sterling, Matt, Brock (Cindy's new "boyfriend") and Chace pile into Aldis' home theater around lunch time. Chace is a little bit of an odd person. He grunts and shrugs so much that Jared's already taken to calling him 'Shrunt', and really, it's a good thing that Jensen isn’t marrying Jared for his ability to tell jokes.  
  
Jared shows up fifteen minutes late with a DVD and a handful of bags of food. They're having Mexican food at lunchtime simply because Mark wants to make it look like they filmed at night. Jensen says a prayer for his stomach.  
  
"What are we watching?" Jensen asks.  
  
"Here," Jared tosses the disc over. It looks inconspicuous enough. The DVD case reads ' _Cellular_ ' and it claims to have Chris Evans in it which Jensen is more than okay with. He opens the case, but the disc isn’t labelled. He shrugs it off and pops it into the player.  
  
Within a few seconds, it's as plain as day that this movie is not  _Cellular_. It's not even a normal movie it's---  
  
"Jungle Fever?" Chris says. "Isn't this---"  
  
"Porn!" Aldis cuts in. And then promptly looks sheepish. Jensen idly thinks of Mark playing this back later and screaming  _YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO START GOING ON ABOUT HOW THIS IS AN INSULT TO YOUR DEVOUT AND HOLY EYES_!!  
  
"All porn movies are works of art," Matt says to the room. "Art is subj---DEAR GOD, WHAT IS HE DOING WITH  _THAT_?"  
  
"I get the feeling that whoever was in charge of the leaf placement was having a really bad day when this was done, because damn," Sterling says.  
  
"This is worse than the porn version of Lethal Weapon," Brock says. "And we're only five minutes in."  
  
"Oh, I dunno," Jared says. "Naked people swinging off gymnasium bars masquerading as tree branches. What's not to like?"  
  
"This is the worst thing that Bravo has ever made me suffer through," the cameraman says. Jensen gives him a sympathetic look. Chace is watching the screen quietly. Jensen hasn't really gotten to know the guy all that well yet. It turns out that having a personal assistant while you're in-between jobs isn't as glamorous as it sounds. Most of his requests have been along the lines of ‘ _Chace, can you refill my coffee mug?’_ and ‘ _Chace, can you alphabetize my DVD collection?’_ because Chace likes to stare a lot and it creeps Jensen out.  
  
" _Me, Tarzan. You, horrrrny!"_  
  
Jensen’s quickly jolted out of that thought. His eyes flick to the screen because that voice sounds familiar - and also because that line has to be the least arousing thing he's ever heard.  
  
"Whoa, guys, look, Tarzan looks a lot like the new kid!" Five pairs of eyes swivel towards Chace and then back to the screen.  
  
"Oh my god. Chace is that you?" Jared claps a hand over his mouth. Jensen finds that so ridiculously cute that he foregoes ogling Chace and gives Jared a fond look instead.  
  
"God give me strength," Chris gripes. "We have a porn star in our midst and Jensen is making goo-goo eyes at Jared. What is the world coming to?"  
  
"Whoa, whoa," Chace finally speaks up, and he doesn't look embarrassed or ashamed. If anything he looks stoned. Crap. "They paid me two grand. Said it was an independent movie."  
  
"He speaks!" Aldis and Sterling say at the same time. And then they give each other fist bumps and Jensen tries his hardest not to glare at Sterling accusingly. Aldis was  _his_  friend first.  
  
"It's honestly not that bad," Brock says. I mean, on a scale of one to WizAlien, it's at least a five." The room erupts into a fit of raucous laughter and Jensen rolls his eyes. Jared rubs at his back soothingly, but laughs along with them. Jensen can’t really find it in himself to give Jared the stink-eye.  
  
"Like Matt said," Chace says. "It's  _art_."  
  
"Yeah, I'm going to have to retract my statement," Matt replies with an awkward cough. "Sorry, bro."  
  
~  
  
After their afternoon of horror, Jared and Jensen drive back to the townhouse to get ready for dinner. Jensen's parents are meeting them at the restaurant so they're just going home to get changed and shower if they need to.  
  
"Mark totally set Chace up, didn't he?" Jared says. "There's no way that he meant to hand me  _Cellular_."  
  
"Please, I'm still trying to block the whole thing out. I have to look at this guy every day."  
  
"I was thinking about that...why don't you set Chace up at the gym? Membership is down. And hey, you never know. The star of  _Jungle Fever_  might bring the customers back."  
  
"Aw, where would I be without you?" Jensen mock-coos as he pulls into the driveway. Jared sticks his tongue out at him.  
  
~  
  
It's not until the drive to the restaurant that Jared turns to him at a red light and says,  
  
"Why are you so gung-ho about selling the house, anyway?" It's not the first time he's asked, but still shitty timing and all. Isn't he supposed to be freaking out about meeting Jensen's parents?  
  
"Why do you ask?" Jensen replies distractedly. Chris is texting him stupid memes again. He looks up from his phone and sees that Jared's shoulders are tensed up.  
  
"Chace gives me the creeps," Jared says. "So does this Lauren woman. Something about this situation isn't right. He's always watching you." Jensen can’t help wondering why Jared didn’t say this before when he was telling Jensen to hire the kid at the gym.  
  
"Well, I've got no choice. I have eighteen mil riding on Chace."  
  
"Yeah, but I  _know_  you," Jared says. "You wouldn't just agree to these terms." Jared's right, of course he is. He's always been freakishly attuned when it comes to Jensen. Well, apart from the whole wedding planning thing. And there is a reason why Jensen is putting up with Chace. The house is the last tie Jensen has with his old life. Pre-Jared. He kind of hopes that it shows Jared how gone Jensen is for him, that he doesn't need to hold back. It's not something that Jensen ever plans on admitting, so he shrugs Jared's question off.  
  
"Oh come on, Jensen, I'm just  _asking_ ," Jared says. "This is me you're talking to."  
  
"Oh yeah," Jensen shoots back, annoyed and pissed because he's been trying so hard not to make an issue over the wedding thing, but Jared has forced his hand. "The guy who clearly doesn't want to marry me. Which is fine, you could have just said no and saved us - oh, wait,  _me -_  the trouble."  
  
"What are you talking about?" Jared looks confused and that just angers Jensen even more. Jensen waits until they’re parked by the restaurant before saying his piece.  
  
"Your disinterest in our wedding is what I'm talking about," he says. "I thought that maybe the house was a sticking point, and that you needed to see me let go of the past."  
  
"What?" Jared says. "That's ridiculous. I couldn’t care less about the house."  
  
"Well that's fucking peachy," Jensen grumbles.  
  
"This is wedding number three," Jared says. "I don't get why you're so crazy over the lights and the seating and in all honesty, you've been driving me crazy." He's lying. Jensen can tell. All the fight in his system leaves him and he sighs, rubs a hand against his brows.  
  
"It might be my third wedding but I already know that I love you more than I've ever loved anyone else, and I just wanted our day to be special. With the other two weddings, I was an uninvolved as humanly possible and where did it get me? Two divorces and a house full of mistakes," Jensen pauses and turns away from Jared. "So thanks for your  _honesty_. If I didn't need a shit ton of baby oil to get this ring off, I'd throw it in your face."  
  
"Well...I did tell you to get it resized."  
  
"I'm going home," Jensen says, while getting out of the car. "Tell my parents I say hi, and that I won't be attending dinner because our wedding is off.”  
  
“Jensen---” Jensen slams the door and starts walking, not really caring where he’s going.  
  
Fuck all of this bullshit.  
  
  
 **~||||~ _JARED_   _INTERLUDE_ ~~~~**  
  
  
See, here’s the thing: Jared’s been engaged before. And yes, it’s probably something he should have told Jensen. But he hasn’t.  
  
“You’re a dumbass,” his sister says when he calls her. Jensen cannot seriously expect him to go and have dinner with his parents and say, ‘ _Oh by the way, I’m flying solo tonight because Jensen called off the wedding_.’ He doesn’t really want to be speared with a fork from his own restaurant.  
  
“How was I supposed to know that he’d pick up on my guilt and misconstrue it as a lack of interest?” Jared asks right before he realises how stupid he sounds. She’s right; he’s dumbass. He’s also a dumbass who’s too chickenshit to tell Jensen that he was ditched at the altar.  
  
That’s the big secret.  
  
He had the suit, the cake, the guests, the best man, his family, a very disgruntled Chad, an uncle who convinced them to let him be the DJ, a pet monkey, an eccentric aunt who owned said monkey.  
  
Jared had all of that on his ‘big day’ except for the fucking bride.  
  
He doesn’t blame his ex, not anymore at least. They weren’t happy; not really. So that’s not the issue, it’s just….he doesn’t really want to go through the humiliation again.  
  
You could say that he’s scared.  
  
“Jensen’s not going to abandon you at the fucking altar,” his sister chides him, because she’s always been a brat who knows him too well. “Just tell him.”  
  
“Can’t you just, leak it to TMZ or something,” Jared says, pouting even though she can’t see him.  
  
“I’m hanging up now,” she say. “Go and have dinner with your future-in-laws. Or your ex-future-in laws. Wait, your second-ex-future-in-laws.”  
  
Jared hangs up on  _her_.  
  
~  
  
Jensen’s parents don’t seem to be too surprised when Jared informs them that Jensen won’t be coming.  
  
“He wasn’t at our first dinner with Danneel,” Mrs Ackles says.  
  
“Or the one with Teresa,” Mr Ackles says.  
  
“Darling, her name was Tania,” Mrs Ackles rolls her eyes fondly and Jensen’s dad shrugs.  
  
“Not that we’re trying to make a point or anything,” Mr Ackles says.  
  
“You’re a very charming young man,” Mrs Ackles says. “Well, based on what we’ve seen on the show.”  
  
“You watch the show?” Jared finally finds his voice.  
  
“Of course,” Mrs Ackles says. “And I have to say, dear, you have  _great_  abs.”  
  
Jared signals the waiter over. He needs more wine. It’s going to be a long night.  
  
  
 **~||||~~~~~**  
  
  
Jensen’s not all that angry; he’s more upset than anything. He knows that Jared is lying, and hell, he doesn’t  _really_  want to call the wedding off. So yeah, he’s not angry but Chad takes it upon himself to cheer him up--“So, Two and a Half Men want you to reprise your role for an episode. Along with Alona.”--and fails at it spectacularly. He would have gone somewhere else to sulk, but his shoes weren’t really made for walking.  
  
“Didn’t I quit acting like a year ago?” Jensen grumbles, taking a swig of his beer while staring at his phone. He feels kind of bad about leaving Jared to fend on his own with his parents. His mom can be a little intense.  
  
“I let you think that you quit,” Chad said. “Besides, now that the sale of your house has fallen through, you’ll need the cash, right?”  
  
Jensen blinks.  
  
“The sale of my house?”  
  
“Yup,” Chad says. “I bumped into Chace as I was driving past your place. He said that it’d fallen through. It was really weird actually. He was in some sort of moving van. Outside your house.”  
  
Jensen grabs Chad’s car keys and runs all the way to the front door.

**Part Two**  
  
His house is empty.  
  
Empty. Even his signed copy of WizAlien is gone. And really, who would steal that?  
  
“Chace fucking Crawford,” Chad says unhelpfully. Jensen glares at him. “What? I was just answering your question!”  
  
“Ever heard of  _rhetoric_ , Chad?” Jensen snaps. Chad kicks at a stray book, the only item left in the living room.  
  
“Jeez, what’s your deal,” he grumbles.  
  
“ _My house has been robbed!!!_ ” Jensen yells. Chad takes a couple of steps backwards with both his hands raised. Jensen rounds on the cameraman filming the entire sorry mess.  
  
Fucking Bravo and their fucking leechy ways.  
  
“You,” he barks. “Turn that thing off.”  
  
“Are you going to cough up the money I need for my kid’s birthday party?” The cameraman raises an eyebrow and Jensen gapes at him.  
  
“What if I bribed you to act as though none of this ever happened?”  
  
“Nope.”  
  
“Seriously?”  
  
“Have you seen the New Jersey show?” Jensen pulls a face. He hasn’t seen it but he’s  _heard_  about it, and seen the weird video of that one guy biting his brother-in-law’s nuts*.  
  
“My buddy gets  _bonuses_  whenever anything crazy happens. This? This is crazy. You’ve been fleeced by a personal assistant that you didn’t even check out! You blindly listened to a woman who was willing to pay way over the asking price of your house. This? This is my bonus, buddy.”  
  
“You make me sound like a complete idiot,” Jensen says, frowning when the guy shrugs.  
  
“You have to admit that you really used your wits here,” the cameraman says. “But going to give my kid one  _helluva_ party if that’s any consolation?”  
  
It isn’t.  
  
~  
  
Jensen’s forced to attend the wine-tasting session Bravo has planned for the group the next morning. It wouldn’t be too bad if he didn’t have to spit out all of the alcohol that he consumes. Sterling doesn’t seem to have noticed the serious ‘don’t fuck with me’ vibes that Jensen’s emitting and he starts up the Jared crap again. Jensen gets that Sterling is just playing a  _role_ , the way they all are, but Jared looks uncomfortable and Jensen’s  _pissed_.  
  
So he ends up knocking Sterling out.  
  
And then he gets his ass arrested. Live on camera.  
  
~  
  
“So Sterling’s agreed not to press charges,” Mark says when he comes to get Jensen. “They’re letting you out with a warning.”  
  
“Whatever,” Jensen says. All he wants to do is sleep, in his own bed. But no. Oh no. Chace and Lauren stole that too.  
  
“When I said come with an interesting storyline, this isn’t what I had in mind,” Mark says. Jensen can tell that he’s enjoying this whole sorry mess, so he doesn’t respond. “And well, I have a lead on this Chuck or Chimp guy. Turns out that this isn’t the first time he’s pulled this con.”  
  
“I’m listening,” Jensen says.  
  
“We can still salvage this,” Mark says. “I really don’t need you to come across as an asshole on screen, even though...you  _are_  an asshole.”  
  
“You love it,” Jensen says. He throws an arm around Mark, who shrugs it off immediately.  
  
“Let’s go and get you your stuff back before you assault someone else,” he grumbles.  
  
~  
  
Jensen’s hanging out at Chris’ place when the doorbell sounds and his phone starts to ring. He answers the call and goes to get the door. His realtor’s on the line and Jared’s at the door, sheepish expression painted on his face.  
  
“Jensen, I’m so sorry about the mix up with the house. I really should have known that offer was too good to be true.”  
  
“Uh-huh,” he says.  
  
“And well, we did have another offer that was closer to what you were asking for…”  
  
“Fine. Sell it. Do what you want, just get rid of the damn house. And make sure that Danneel gets her engravings.”  
  
“Okay, sure, I can do that. And uh, sorry again for th--”  
  
Jensen hangs up. Ms 7% commission can save it.  
  
“What do you want?” Jensen asks when Jared just stands there silently. “Is there some event that we’re supposed to be at?” They’re filming on of Chris’ concerts later and Jensen has some scripted apology for Sterling that he refuses to memorise.  
  
“No,” Jared says. And then, “Your mom thinks that I have great abs.”  
  
Jensen sighs. “Yeah, she tends to text me things along the lines of that when she’s watching the show. I apologise on her behalf.”  
  
“So, uh, Chace robbed us.”  
  
“Yup,” Jensen says. “Thank god he didn’t have a key to the gym. I’m such a dumbass.” Jared’s hand twitches, almost as though he wants to reach out and touch, but he doesn’t.  
  
“You’re not,” he says reassuringly. “You just trusted the wrong person and tried to do a nice thing.”  
  
“Yeah well, maybe this a sign,” Jensen says. “That I should stop taking things for granted or whatever.”  
  
Before Jared can saying anything else, there’s a knock on the door. It opens before any of them even move and Danneel appears, closely flanked by a camerawoman that appears to be out of breath.  
  
“Hey guys—and oh, Jared, you’re here already?” Danneel says. Jared shakes his head at her, but Danneel carries on talking. “Oh well. I’ll make this quick. Jared’s been engaged before and he planned the wedding and shit, got to the altar and the bride didn’t show up. Which is why he’s been so hesitant about this wedding; he doesn’t want to jinx anything.”  
  
Jensen’s mouth drops open. Jared just sighs heavily.  
  
 **~||||~ _JARED_   _INTERLUDE_ ~~~~**  
  
Jared sighs heavily.  
  
“I didn’t give you the signal,” he says to Danneel. “We agreed that I’d call you discreetly if I needed help.”  
  
“Eh, this way you and Jensen can take the conversation from here,” Danneel says with a shrug. “Also, Matt’s having a crisis with his printer.” Jared resists the urge to roll his eyes. No doubt Matt is attempting to print off more motivational posters. She kisses Jensen on the cheek and leaves as quickly as she entered.  
  
Jared rubs his forehead tiredly.  
  
“Is that why you’ve been so skittish?” Jensen asks, and he doesn’t seem mad. If anything...he seems to be looking at Jared fondly.  
  
It’s kind of unsettling.  
  
“Yes,” Jared admits. “And I’m sorry. I know that I should have told you.”  
  
“But, you  _did_  tell me,” Jensen says. “Ages ago at our engagement party, you were drunk and I was dragging your giant ass to bed and you started mumbling about how you’d been close to getting married before. I got the full story from your sister the next day.”  
  
“Why didn’t you ever mention it?” Jared asks.  
  
Jensen shrugs, “It’s a part of your past and it’s irrelevant. It has nothing to do with me and you; we’re the real deal. And I would  _never_  do that to you.”  
  
“I’m sorry,” Jared says. “I just reasoned that it’d hurt less if I was less hands-on this time, but I know that you’d never do that, I just panicked, I guess.”  
  
“It’s okay, I get it,” Jensen replies. “I’ve had my doubts too. Like, what if I fuck this up like I fucked up my last two marriages? But if we keep focusing on the past, we’re never going to move forward, together. So, how about we forget all of this and start planning our kickass wedding?”  
  
“Sounds good to me,” Jared says, grinning brightly.  
  
“Guess I better cancel the performing monkey.”  
  
“Jensen!” Jared says. “Seriously, what did I say about people who hired those poor monkeys?”  
  
“Well, you have been a bit of an ass of late,” Jensen says. “I had to get some retribution somehow.”  
  
“By hiring a poor defenceless monkey.”  
  
“And a bunch of doves.”  
  
“Jensen!”  
  
“I can always  _un_ forgive you, you know?”  
  
In that moment there, Jared knows that they’re going to be okay.  
  
 **~||||~~~~~**  
  
Jensen still doesn’t appreciate the whole Sterling storyline, but now that he and Jared have patched things up (and had extremely satisfying make-up sex, in a Bravo-free location), he decides to let it go. He apologises, and Sterling shoots him a covert nod afterwards. Chris does his thing on stage and surprisingly, Jensen manages to enjoy himself despite the fact that there’s still the matter of his house and things to sort out.  
  
~  
  
“So,” Mark says one day, behind the scenes. They’re at some pretentious club that Alona belongs too, pretending to be scandalised at the amount of (obviously  _fake_ ) bickering that she and Aldis are doing. It merely fills Jensen with a sense of dread. He has to act with Alona in a couple of weeks.  
  
It’s going to be  _awful_.  
  
“So,” Mark says. “Are you morally opposed to the hiring of hit men?” Jensen laughs because it’s funny. It’s a good joke. However, Mark looks one hundred percent serious.  
  
“Uh, yes?” Jensen says in a bewildered tone. “I am sort of opposed to murder in general.”  
  
“This is just the  _threat_  of murder. Not actual murder.” Jared appears at that moment, and he chokes on his drink at the sound of the word  _murder_.  
  
“Look,” Mark says impatiently. “Do you want your stuff back or not?”  
  
“Fine,” Jensen says. “Do what you have to do. But please don’t kill anyone.”  
  
“Why  _are_  you helping us?” Jared asks suspiciously. And well, everyone knows that Jensen can’t be trusted to ask the right questions.  
  
“I knew that Chace had a record. Theft, drugs, you name it. But really, getting you to watch Jungle Fever was too good to pass up on.”  
  
“Mark, you kinky son-of-a-bitch,” Jensen says with a lewd wink.  
  
Mark flips him the bird.  
  
~  
  
Jensen’s not really sure what threats are made, but he and Jared go back to the townhouse and find everything in place. At first Jensen’s caught up in breathing a huge sigh of relief. But then he and Jared turn to each other.  
  
“This feels weird, right?” Jared says.  
  
“God only knows where this stuff has been!” Jensen replies.  
  
“You know, we should probably get a new place, seeing as how we’re getting married and all.”  
  
Jensen grins, “Oh Jared, you always have the best ideas.”  
  
~  
Jensen and Alona get together sometime during the following week, to run lines and prepare for the read through. Alona is surprisingly not as bad as he thinks she is. When he says to her, she sighs.  
  
“That Mark guy said I had to act like I couldn’t act, because that was my role on the show. Jackass.”  
  
“The first rule of being on this show,” Jensen says. “Is  _Don’t Listen to Mark_. Seriously, didn’t I tell you this last year?”  
  
Alona laughs. "We kind of got off on the wrong foot. They told me not to offer you the cover of my magazine."  
  
"I figured as much," Jensen says. "We should totally become best buddies just to spite Mark."  
  
"I like the sound of that," she says."  
  
~  
  
Two and a Half Men is filmed in front of a live audience, so the cast of the reality show all file in, and take their seats at the front. This is part of their finale, so Jensen already knows that there'll be drama. At any rate, it isn't like this Two and a Half Men episode requires much concentration (line, line, studio laugh, line, line, studio laugh, wash, rinse and repeat), so he watches out for the gang as he says his lines.  
  
They're nearing the end of the episode when Cindy and Brock start arguing. Jensen can't say that he's friends with them, but Brock seems like a good guy and Cindy's got a dry sense of humour that Jensen appreciates.  
  
"Are you serious?" Brock is saying. Jensen looks over at Jared, only to see that his boy has his head in his hands. Jensen stifles a laugh and gets back into his scene. His character is smiling longingly at Alona while Ashton Kutcher flicks his hair or something.  
  
"You knew that I was married!" Cindy's voice carries over. "I told you when we met!"  
  
"I thought you were getting a divorce!" Brock says. “You said not to worry about him; that he was out of the picture.”  
  
“I mean yeah,” Cindy says. “He’s away on business and we have an open marriage. Out of the picture.”  
  
“I thought you were the one,” Brock says sadly.  
  
“What?” Cindy’s even more irritated now. “I distinctly remember telling you that were not exclusive.”  
  
“Oh, I think I would remember that!”  
  
“Huh,” Cindy says. “Well, maybe it was someone else I said that to.”  
  
“I’m done,” Brock says. “Have a nice life!” He stands, practically ripping his jacket away from his seat before he stalks away and storms out of the studio loudly.  
  
The director brings their scene to a halt.  
  
~  
  
Phase two of the finale is Aldis surprising Alona with a wedding vow renewal ceremony instead of serving her with divorce papers. Jensen, of course, has absolutely nothing to do with this. When Mark glares at him, Jensen waves and gives him a thumbs-up.  
  
~  
  
Phase three is…Chace and Lauren showing up at the party following Aldis’ and Alona’s ceremony. They walk in, brazen and unapologetic and this has  _Mark_ written all over it.  
  
Jensen takes a step forward, fully intent on heading towards them, only for Jared to yank him back.  
  
“Just keep it cool,” he says. “They’re here for a reason.” Keeping cool is the last thing on Jensen’s mind but Jared manages to find a few ways to distract him. Until Lauren decides to just walk up towards them and start screaming about how Jensen has ruined her life.  
  
“We have no money!” she shrieks. “ Was it our fault that you fell for what I told you?”  
  
“And what did you tell him exactly?” Jared says. “Because I’m sure that you must have been pretty convincing.”  
  
“Just that Chace needed a good role model,” Lauren says. She looks around, obviously trying to spot where Chace is but she gives up soon and mutters something under her breath. “I told Chace that fleecing you was a bad idea. I said that there’s no way we’d be able to steal all of your shit and sell it all. But he made it sound possible so I helped him. It wasn’t hard to convince your realtor that I was good for the cash - you should probably get a new one of those by the way.”  
  
“Already on it,” Jensen says shortly.  
  
“Look, just call off your---”  
  
“And oh look, is that Danneel over there, trying to get our attention? I think it is.”  
  
Jensen has no fucking idea what’s happening here.  
  
“I was wearing a wire,” Jared says when they’re out of hearing distance. “Now we have a verbal confession.”  
  
“And the thing about calling off our….?”  
  
“I really don’t want to know if Mark seriously hired a hit man,” Jared says seriously. “That’s like an uncharted territory of crazy that I do  _not_  want to cross into. Ever.”  
  
Chris shows up then, dressed in some sort of tight black ensemble. He looks like one of those museum robbers that you see on television, or…a hit man.  
  
No…  
  
“Jensen, you have got to see this!” Chris says as he whips out his cell phone. It’s a video of Chace crying while an unknown person demands for him to return all of the ‘ _shit he stole or else_ ’. That person sounds suspiciously like Chris.  
  
“So, Mark hired you to pose as a hit man, so you could get our stuff back?” Jensen asks. “How is this my life?”  
  
“Best fun I ever had,” Chris admits.  
  
“I need a drink,” Jared says.  
  
“I need three drinks,” Jensen adds. “Like, at the same time.” Matt happens to be walking by and he gives Jensen a sympathetic look. Jensen sighs and waits for Matt to hand him an inspirational card, which he does. It says:  ** _You_** _can sit around and feel bad for yourself or you can GET UP and try to better yourself._  
  
“Thanks, Matt,” he says because it’s either that or strangling the guy and Danneel would club him to death with her ugly, contemporary (really, really ugly) door stop, and then Jared would die of heartbreak. Jensen can do restraint; hell he’s survived three years on this show, hasn’t he?  
  
He realises then that he’s actually going to miss the craziness of it all.  
  
~  
  
Jared’s a nuisance when it comes to wedding planning. An absolute-fucking-nuisance of epic proportions. He also takes up far more closet space than necessary. And then there’s the ridiculous collection of beanies; the figurines; the ugly vase that his grandmother gave him; the  _flowery_  shirts.  
  
“Is this how you bitched about me to your friends?” Danneel asks as she helps Jensen remove the engraving on the floor in their old house. It’s a lot more complicated than it looks, and Jensen seriously wishes that they’d never got it done. It must have seemed so tacky to all of their guests. He stifles a shudder.  
  
“Just the other day you were bitching about Matt and his inspirational messages,” he points out.  
  
“You’re right,” Danneel says. “But that annoys you too. Jared’s like, the sweetest guy ever.”  
  
“Of course he is,” Jensen says. “Would I really settle down with the  _sweetest guy ever_?” Danneel cocks her head to side as she contemplates her answer. Eventually she shrugs.  
  
“Whatever. Pass me the vodka, bitch.”  
  
Jensen laughs. By the end of their night, they’re drunk and a little nostalgic as they say one last goodbye to what used to be  _their_  house.  
  
For the first time in a long time, Jensen doesn’t wonder  _what if_ , he just thinks about Jared, and he feels warmth in his chest that Danneel never put there.  
  
~  
  
The Reunion is a bit of a mess. Jensen and Jared can’t talk about Chace and Lauren because of the ongoing investigation, and Chris posing as a hit man probably isn’t appropriate for television. So they end up rehashing the Sterling thing.  
  
“So, Jensen,” Andy says, holding up a set of cards with ridiculous questions on them. “Mary from Austin wants to know why you were such a jerk about Jared reconnecting with an old friend.” A clip plays, and it’s full of a bunch of scenes that Jensen hasn’t ever seen before, but he knows that he has nothing to worry about.  
  
“I was just extremely stressed at that point,” he answers. “I was selling the house, I was planning the wedding and I was freaking out and seeing Jared with this  _guy_  that I vaguely knew was a little disorientating.”  
  
“You also found out that Jared had been minutes away from marrying someone else,” Andy says. “How did that make you feel?”  
  
“It is what it is,” Jensen says.  
  
“Now, we were treated to a piece of television gold this season when Jared was forced to have dinner with Jensen’s parents on his own. Take a look at this!” Jensen spends the next three minutes grimacing as his parents as Jared a bunch of mortifying questions. To Jared’s credit, he only chokes on his wine once and he answers them all with good grace.  
  
Jensen’s definitely going to give his parents a piece of his mind once he’s done here.  
  
After that, they bring out Cindy and Brock, who have the same argument that they had all over again.  
  
“Do you two not feel bad that you disrupted Jensen and Alona’s filming schedule with your discussion?” Andy asks and the two of them stop yelling at each other long enough to scream - “No!” - before continuing their argument.  
  
Andy then goes on to question the validity of Jensen and Alona’s sudden friendship and asks if Alona and Aldis were faking their divorce in order to give themselves a better storyline. After that, he ribs Jensen slightly for being grumpy when he and Jared did their wedding registry. Seriously running after a price-tag-gun wielding Jared is not Jensen’s idea of fun.  
  
Andy then moves onto to the whole  _Jungle Fever_ thing and Danneel gets a fit of the giggles. Alona mostly looks perturbed and Cindy is too busy glaring at Brock.  
  
Jensen’s extremely grateful when they reach the champagne toast. Cindy tries to throw her glass of champagne at Brock, misses and gets Jensen instead.  
  
He mentally crosses them both off the wedding guest list.  
  
~  
  
Afterward, Jensen goes home, changes out of his itchy suit and into his sweats, grabs a bag of Cheetos and settles down on the couch.  
  
“When you’re bitching about how much you ache after your next gym session I’m going to remind you of this,” Jared says when he gets home. He even snaps a picture.  
  
“Yeah, yeah,” Jensen says. “You love it.”  
  
“I kinda do,” Jared says with a soft smile.  
  
Chad appears behind him and Jensen sighs.  
  
“Seriously, Ackles, have you really regressed back to the Cheetos-eating, ABC family-watching loser you were before you met Jared?” Chad asks. “I’m going to expect more than this when the two of you are married.”  
  
Jensen throws the entire bag at Chad’s head.  
  
 ** _The En_** \-- **AND NOW, HERE’S A SNEAK PEEK OF THE WEDDING SPIN-OFF!**  
  
Jensen is freaking out. There’s a list of things that have to be done and he’s forgetting something. Flowers, cake, rings, catering, venue, security, telling Mark to fuck off, crossing Brock off the guest list, suits, honeymoon, camera angles, photographer.  
  
“Hey, have we sent out the invitations yet?” Jared asks as he wanders into the kitchen. Jensen freezes.  
  
Invitations. The fucking invitations. He grabs his iPad and brings up the list of allocated tasks. ‘Invitations’ is right there in block capitals under Jared’s name.  
  
“I just remembered that I, uh, have a thing,” Jared says slowly when he catches Jensen looking at the list.  
  
“Oh yeah,” Jensen says. “What’s that?”  
  
“I have to go….rescue a cat,” Jared says, clearing his throat when Jensen raises an eyebrow. “From a tree. A really, really tall one.”  
  
“You might have to rescue yourself from the hole that you’re digging first,” Jensen growls.  
  
“Maybe you should just go and take a nice, relaxing--”  
  
“If you say  _nap_ , I will throw something,” Jensen interrupts. Jared gives him a sheepish look. “What I need is for you to get the invitations from the printers, address them and then send them.”  
  
“We have over 200 guests coming,” Jared scoffs. “Were you really expecting me to address over 200 hundred invitations all by myself?”  
  
“You have the entire Real Housewives and Househusbands cast at your disposal!” Jensen exclaims. “It would have taken a couple of hours!  
  
“As opposed to e-invites, which took less than twenty minutes.”  
  
“E-invites?!” Jensen spits out. “I have spent months planning this thing. I’ve been stressing out - I’ve been  _stress baking_  - and running around like a crazy person, and everyone who’s coming got an invite over the internet?”  
  
Jared eyes him warily.  
  
“You just hit a 13 on the Bridezilla scale.”  
  
“I’m not a fucking Bridezilla,” Jensen insists.  
  
“Okay,” Jared says. “Groom-mothra?”  
  
“I will stab you with this spoon.” Jensen holds up his newly discovered weapon, a sad, pitiful plastic spoon that has the scare factor of a new-born baby.  
  
He fucking hates planning weddings.  
  
~  
  
When Chad swings by to pick up his own personalised list of “do’s and don’ts” for the wedding, Jensen’s covered in flour and possibly has frosting on his nose. He’s surrounded by perfect array of cupcakes.  
  
“Oh god, I walked right into this one,” Chad says as Jensen puts another tray in the oven. “Fucking Jared.  _Come on over_ , he said.  _Jensen’s not up to much_ , he said.  _I’m just popping out to get some milk_ , he said.”  
  
“Cupcake?” Jensen ignores everything Chad’s saying in favour of trying to rid himself of a cupcake that he has no intention of eating. It’s like they say: a moment on the lips is a lifetime on the hips.  
  
“What are you going to do with all of these?” Chad asks. Jensen shrugs and pours himself a glass of wine. And then he’s hit by a brainwave!  
  
“You want to take a bunch of cupcakes to a soup kitchen,” Chad says after Jensen makes a suggestion. “Those people need proper food.”  
  
“So, I’ll buy them all a burrito to go with the cupcakes.”  
  
Chad doesn’t look impressed, and neither does the camerawoman.  
  
“I’m trying to do a nice thing!” Jensen says. “Also, I need some brownie points for Judgement Day because I spent $20,000 on a candle holder yesterday. And then it broke on the way home. It broke. I broke $20,000 because I didn’t navigate around a speed bump as I was pulling out of the parking lot.”  
  
“You need therapy, man,” Chad says, patting Jensen on the shoulder gently. “Lots and lots of it.” Jensen frowns sadly, and Chad sighs. He picks up and bites into the cupcake that Jensen offered him a few minutes ago. And then promptly spits it out.  
  
“This is disgusting!” Chad rushes to the sink, cups some water in his hand and uses it to rinse out his mouth. “Did you put cayenne pepper in that cupcake?”  
  
Jensen shrugs, “It’s a secret recipe that I came up with just for you. I call this particular flavour Chad-Is-The-Asshole-Who-Told-Jared-To-Send-E-Invites-Instead-Of-The-Ones-We-Spent-Three-Hours-Choosing.”  
  
Chad glares at Jensen for a few seconds before he huffs angrily and leaves. Seconds later he texts Jensen a ‘ _fuck you_ ’.  
  
Jensen smiles to himself.  
  
  
 _To be continued…_  
  
 **Thanks for reading! :)**  
  
*Oh yeah, the whole NJ ball biting thing seriously [happened](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=phz8-akKch0&feature=youtube_gdata_player). Ick.


End file.
